Driftwood

You know that period of time after a break up when you are done being sad and you feel free and unrestricted and all you want to do is concentrate on you and rediscover yourself and your passions? You are trying to redefine yourself without this other person who was a part of you for so long that it seemed like you were really just one person with 4 eyes and 2 heads and 20 fingers. You want to explore, you want adventure, but you aren’t quite ready yet to be with someone new. That’s when the wave hits you, The wave of possibilities that washes over you threatening to drown you when all you want is a moment of peace on dry land. You start to notice the way people look at you, their desire and their passion, but you don’t want any of it. You are a free woman and you aren’t ready to trust someone new. So you wade to the shore and dry out and build sandcastles and decorate them with shells and rocks. You retreat into yourself and explore what’s been hiding there for so long. You make art and go to yoga and ride your bike and make whatever you want for dinner and then eat the leftovers for lunch the next day. You read all the books that have been collecting dust on your bookshelf. You hang out with your friends more, and you make new friends, and you are having so much fun.

Then, after some time passes, you grow bored with your new passions, and you fall into a new routine, and then the wanting starts. You want another person to think about other than yourself. You want someone to care about. You want someone to touch. You miss staying up late just talking, you miss holding hands, and you miss sex. So you go back to the beach and down to the shore only to find that the tide is out and the wave has receded. You are left alone on the sand, still moist with possibility. You take off all your clothes and lay down in the sand, wanting to feel closer to the water. You cover yourself in it, rubbing it on your arms, your chest, your thighs. Scrubbing it into your scalp. You braid stray pieces of seaweed into you hair and you dance around like a wild woman, trying to lure the wave back into shore. But it doesn’t come. You think about trying to go find it. You think about how you want to settle down and start a family and about how you aren't getting any younger. You think about starting up your okcupid profile again. But you don’t. Because sometimes the sea and the sand are just enough. The driftwood feels so smooth and soft under your fingertips, after years of being worn down by rough waves and rocks, and the sun is so warm on your chest. And love isn't about need anyway. Because if you aren't enough for yourself, then you'll never be enough for someone else.